I'm the type of person who holds their emotions in until they just can't handle anymore and then I either get depressed or take anger out on ones I love. So therefore I've decided to start this blog, this is for my personal use so if you do not like something I say, don't read my blog! It's as simple as that!
I guess to start this I should give you a little back history. This first one WILL BE LONG, so bare with me.
On February 14, 1989, I Valentina Marie Valdez was born in Corpus Christi Texas. My mother is Nicole Collins and my father who I've heard was around during and partially after my birth yet I don't remember him. Is named Max Valdez Jr. I am what my mother and grandparents would call a miracle baby. You see I was suppose to be born on April 1st, so I was a tad bit early. When I finally made my arrival I weighted a mere 3 pounds 2 ounces. I had bleeding on my brain, under developed lungs and the doctors all thought I was going to die. But God had different plans for me and showed that I would be a fighter even at birth, I had pulled through when the odds were against me.
I honestly do not remember the majority of my early childhood. I can only recall certain things, most which seem to be negative things. Such as physical, verbal, and sexual abuse and neglect. Which I will go into in another post. Now don't get me wrong, there are good things I remember as well like the house we lived in in Lee Summit that my grandpa built me and my sister a swing set.
But on with the story. I can not really start remembering my life until the age of 6 or 7. At this point in my life we were living in Oswego Kansas. Mom, Ashley, Me, Kayla, and Dilyan. We lived in a big two story white house on the corner. I remember my best friends name was Quari Johnson. I remember we use to ride our bikes all over the town, it was probably our favorite thing to do. Things seemed like they were going good, then my mother met a guy named Earl Collins. He was great, we all fell instantly in love with him. He was the first guy I had actually acknowledged as a father figure in my life. I can remember the first Thanksgiving him and my mom were dating, he didn't feel like he should go to my grandparents, so I stayed with him. We made our own Thanksgiving feast and at that point in my life, I knew I was going to have a real dad.
Fast forward and life then took all 6 of us to Tulsa Oklahoma for about 4 months. We lived in and out of motels because Earl got work down there with a temp agency. I don't remember life much down there. Life then will fast forward to Neosho Missouri where we lived in the Bradford's trailer park. About a month or two before my mom and us 4 kids were back in a safe house while Earl worked at Tyson and saved up money. Life in the trailer park seemed like it would be great. One memory I love to hold onto was the day Earl purposed to my mother in the living room of our trailer. All us kids trying our hardest to hold our excitement in while Earl made my mom sit with her eyes closed in a chair as he got down on one knee. I remember my new best friends Jennifer and Mitchell V. I remember my first "boyfriend" Chris C., and my first heartbreak David O. I remember getting in my first fist fight and getting kicked off the bus. I remember getting mono, and sleepovers at Mitchell's house. I remember the day my older sister when completely crazy and got sent away for a little while. I remember when I got my first dog Nakida, she was a German Shepard, Alaskan malamute. I remember the time my grandmother came down and taught my 3rd grade class about poetry. I remember when my friend Teresa's trailer burnt down, and the time I had my best friend choose my "ex" over me!
But a memory that stays most burnt in my mind and my heart is the day Earl left us. My mom and him had started fighting about money, and other things. I remember him packing all is stuff in big black trash bags and throwing them in the bed of his truck and driving away. I remember running after him, crying and begging for him to stop. I remember going up to the payphone and calling him asking when he was coming back. He broke my heart that day, but time pasted and he came home. Him and my mom patched things up and things were starting to look up.
Fast forward again and life then took us all to beautiful Carthage Missouri. Earl and my mother were buying a beautiful 4 bedroom 1 1/2 bath house with a full walk out basement, in ground pool, 1 1/2 acres, 2 storage barns, and a little shop out back. Life could not have been going in a more positive way. I remember meeting my best friend Hillary Reburn, and other wonderful friends. I made the dare choir my 6th grade year, yet missed most of the year because I was sick with stomach problems. Ashley was taken out of the house due to behavior issues, and my mom and Earl started fighting again. Which led to Earl leaving again, this time he drained their bank account and went back to Kansas. He was gone a month and a half, we didn't even think he was coming back. Things then started getting "good" again, then my heart was shattered again.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had went to the pool with Hillary and was told to be home at 2. Yet Hillary's mom Karla did not get off work till later and so I called my mom and told her that if she wanted Karla to bring me home, it would be later. I remember walking up the driveway that evening around 6pm scared as to what kind of punishment was waiting for me, yet it wasn't anything I'd ever dreamed. Earl and my mother were both waiting when I got inside, Earl was instantly in my face, yelling asking why I didn't listen to my mom. In my defense I retreated into my shell and stood there silent, it was then when Earl smacked me across the face. In that instant my mind was going a million miles, I was mad, I was sad, I could feel my cheek burning, but most of all I was hurt. How could someone I loved so much, do something like that? That was the first night I'd ever tried to kill myself, I was unsuccessful of course. It was that night when my acknowledgment of Earl as my "dad" would come to a screeching halt.
Anyways time passed, Ashley was able to return home, and my mom was finally able to go to school to pursue her life long dream of becoming a nurse. She almost made it through school when out of no where her health took a turn for the worst. In 2004 she was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis. This rocked our whole family to the core, and for a moments time brought us all back together. I remember my mother was in the hospital for a long time, the doctors told us all she may not make it, but we all stood by and prayed to God to save our mom. In this time period we had lost our beautiful home, and were staying in a house our church owned. This was also the year I developed a eating disorder. My eating disorder was triggered by a movie on lifetime of all places! It was about 2 friends who had developed anorexia then bulimia. I had it in my head that I could do that, and if people already thought I was fat, I could make myself skinny. So I began skipping breakfast and lunch at school then eating dinner at home, then waiting for everyone to go to bed then going back up to the bathroom and throwing up. This wasn't an everyday thing until about the end of my freshman year when my mothers health got really bad. Life in the farm house was a struggle at times, I remember we didn't have money for Christmas so people from our church bought us presents. I remember the day my mother fell down the stairs and broke her back. I remember the night when my mother stopped breathing and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Time passed as it always does and life then took us to another trailer park way on the other side of Carthage. I remember a fight my mother and I had got into because I was crying about having to move and she didn't understand why. I didn't want to leave my church, I felt love and accepted there. Life in the trailer park brought a whole new world kind of. I met an awesome girl named Krissy K, who became one of my best friends. I dated this wonderfully, mysterious guy from church named Nathan C, who then broke my heart. I went on my first mission trip with the church to Mexico. Went on my first date, life was looking okay.
The it took a turn for the worst, again! When my mother got sick, she turned into a different person. Before she got sick, we were best friends. After, I don't know who she was. Earl left my mom, my older sister Ashley left. And my moms health continued to roller coaster. I got dropped head first into my mothers roles of cooking, cleaning, and taking care of my younger brother and sister.All the added stress made my bulimia kick in full swing. It was my sophomore year, and my 17th birthday to be exact, when Hillary and I got caught throwing up in the bathroom by a teacher. We got sent to the counselor and had to call our mothers. Of course my mother didn't take it well at all and said I was just doing it for attention and so on and so forth. She sent me to a psychiatrist but that didn't last long. She even had my little sister sit up with me after I ate for at least an hour and a half. Life continued in this downward spiral. My mother made me get a job, so I could help pay for bills yet grounded me when my grades weren't above C's.
My life then changed drastically in one weekend. On a Thursday I had got a check from my job, my mom said she needed money to help pay for the electric bill. Yet I was needing to save up money to buy a prom dress cause I was asked to go. I gave her $100, she then started saying that wasn't enough. I then gave her $80 and kept $30 for my dress fund. She went crazy yelling at me saying I was the most selfish person she had met, I only cared about myself. Friday I stayed home and cleaned so I could go spend the night with Hillary Saturday. I got too, which was rare for me, because my mom depended on me to take care of Kayla and Dilyan. Sunday morning I called my mom at 9am and told her that we'd overslept and would not be going to church she told me to be home at noon then. Hillary and I then found out that we were going to go to another church that had a service that started at 11, went to 12 and it was only about 5 minutes from my house. I called my mom back and she rejected my call ( which wasn't unusually for her if she didn't want to talk to you). I left her a voicemail telling her the new plans and said if she had a problem with it to call me back, She never did.
I got home at 12:06, she was there to meet me at the door. Yelling and screaming she asked me why I wasn't home at noon. I told her I'd called her and she called me a liar, she also called me a liar when I told her we'd went to a church service that started at 11, even though I had a bulletin in my bag. She then smacked me across the face, again that single blow sent my heart shattering in a million pieces like a few years ago. I then got sent to my room for the remainder of the night. It was the next day at school when I'd confided in Hillary and she said she didn't want me to go back to that house and that's when I'd made the decision to move out. Going against what my mother wanted, and leaving behind my baby sister and baby brother.
If I could go back, I would not change leaving, though I might have changed leaving Kayla and Dilyan behind.....
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| Ashley & I when we were little |
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