What's on my mind

Well I didn't post anything last night, and I've been trying to think of something to write about tonight. There only seems to be one thing on my mind. And for those people who think I just have this blog to play the victim....NEWS FLASH I'M NOT! I've said time and time again, I'm just doing this blog because it's free. I don't want to pay hundreds of dollars to have someone listen to me talk!!

Well what's on my mind is how it keeps being thrown in my face that I'm not good enough. And I'm a christian and know that it's just the devil trying to make me feel like this. Most times I stay strong, but there are always those times when I just can not take it because the blows are coming from all angles!

I was reminded the other day that I'm a worthless daughter, because for some odd reason moving out of my mothers house when I was 17 and her spreading lies about things I didn't say or things I've done she didn't like, is all my fault! I don't understand it at all. I mean I love my mother and have NEVER said lies about her, though she would look you straight in the face and say otherwise. She thinks I pick my husband over my family because I wouldn't go up and sit with her at the hospital. 1.) I didn't have gas or a check from work to get more gas! 2.) I work Mon - Fri, I can't skip work to go sit up there because I have other responsibilities as an adult! And 3.) Honestly it makes me sad and depressed to see her like that, why would I just want to sit up there?!?!?!?! I mean I had NO problem going and visiting her, but I can not and will not spend 24-7 up there. And as for me picking my husband over my family. There is NO such thing, Nathan is my husband so that makes him MY FAMILY as well as they do!!

I would just like to have a normal family. Now I know you are probably sitting there saying "What's normal?" I would just like to be able to have my mom proud of the woman I've become, be able to have my mom, brother, and sisters over to my house for dinner and visa versa. I want to be able to call my mom when I have a problem and be able to be there for her while she's sick without her getting mad if I can't be there all day everyday.

Another thing I'm struggling with is my body! Now I know about 90% of women in America dislike something about their bodies, but mine is a little different. I mean sure I wish I was skinner like I use to be. But my problem lies a little deeper. I've always had irregular periods. Now I know you might be thinking well that's pretty common, well having 1 period a year is NOT normal. I want to have kids, but this is keeping me from doing such! My doctor said they want to start me on Provera but I have to lose at least 25 pounds because I'm pre-diabetic and getting pregnant would more than likely cause me to get diabetes. The problem I'm having with losing weight is the insulin resistance. I had lost 7 pounds but then gained 4 of those back. I need to lose this weight, because I need to be healthy and I want to have kids. It's most girls dreams to be a mom and I would be totally devastated if that couldn't happen for me, and I'd feel like I let my wonderful husband down. Even though we've had the talk and he's reassured me thousands of times that if we couldn't have our own kids he'd still love me and we could just adopt. But I wand to experience all that stuff. I'm even looking forward to the morning sickness! LOL Crazy I know!

Well that's all that's been on my mind the past couple of days!

Stay Blessed 

xoxo

Tina