Days like today...

Days like today...


I dread, though they come far to often. Today is the 2 month anniversary of my moms death. It's crazy to say that actually. Because it seems like yesterday her and I were talking. She was wanting me to stay with her, because she said she missed me, but I had to go pick Nathan up. I still remember her arguing with me and Dilyan about how she was going to go soak in the tub, she didn't understand nor believe us that she probably couldn't walk. Because it had been so long since she had. She just kept saying "I'm gonna go soak, I can do it myself."

My heart still breaks remembering that call. I kick myself because that ONE time I put my phone on silent when I went to sleep something bad happened. I wish I could hold her, smell her, see her smile one last time. The pictures just aren't cutting it for me, holding your urn doesn't cut it for me. I wish Heaven wasn't so far away. I wish you were hear because then at least all of us kids could and would be together for the holidays.  This year is so different. At least when you were in the hospital we got to bring Thanksgiving to you and have a big feast in your room. We won't get to make you a meatball anymore, or hear you say how glad you are that everyone is together.

I miss them so much too, they're all to busy. We were suppose to have family dinners on Sunday. That happened for like 3 weeks, then everyone got too busy. I wish I could hear you say everything will be ok. I called to talk to Kayla a little bit ago. I just wanted to hear from someone who could sympathize with me, because she lost you too. It's as if she didn't really care if I was crying or not. She was just worried about other things. I really wish I could call and just talk to you. I don't dare try and call Ashley, because she probably won't even pick up. Dilyan probably doesn't want to hear it either, but I text him. I just don't feel like a family anymore and that really breaks my heart. All I ever wanted was for us to be a family, not so broken. Why does this have to effect me so much. Why does it seem like I'm the only one this hurts?

Mom I miss you so much and I just want you back, I still need you, I wasn't ready for you to leave. I thought I prepared myself for when you went but I thought wrong. I love you always mom, I hope you're having an amazing time in Heaven and I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving.