Well it's New Years Eve. As I reflect back on 2011, I'm amazed at how far I've come in life, and how much I've changed. I'm thankful for both the good and the bad things that happened this past year, because they helped mold me into who I am right now!
Lets take a little look back on some of the more memorable events shall we:
Lets see, In February I turned 22 years old.
In March Nathan and I made the best decision we could for our future and became independent business owners, and with that our lives started to and would forever be changed.
April brought a whole new experience of being around people who are positive and on fire for this business. We got to spend a whole weekend with amazing people, and even got to meet some millionaires! Pretty AWESOME!!!
Then May came and brought the bad you could say. May 22, 2011 was suppose to be a wonderful day. It marked Nathan and I's 1 year anniversary. Then the tornado hit and many peoples lives would be forever altered, including ours. We lost a friend, who is probably the bravest person I know. He sacrificed himself to save the people he loved. With this happening it threw us off and we didn't want to do anything really. We stopped going to business meetings, and even stopped talking to our business family. I guess you could say we just needed time to morn.
June started a four long period where I had to cut my side of the family off completely. Things were fine up until that point. And then because I wouldn't come and see my mom in the hospital because I didn't have gas to. She threw a fit and wanted all the Christmas presents she'd given Nathan and I from the previous Christmas. But anyways I'm not going into all the details.
Summer months came and I got a job working at the Y in Carthage with the Summer program. It was a lot of fun. I also had the honor of doing the photography for my aunt Cathy's wedding. It was a beautiful and I had a lot of fun doing it. We also had the opportunity to go to the new water park in KC called Schlitterbahn. It was AMAZING!!!!!! At the end of the summer I got offered to stay on at the Y and work the Kids In Motion program, which is just a fancy name for after school program. haha!!
I can't remember if anything happened in August or September. In October I started talking to my mom again. She got really sick again and I went and saw her in St. Louis. We also got a house in Carthage again! Which is definitely a step in the more positive direction for us. We got the house the first week in October, yet we weren't able to move in until the last week. Which kind of sucked, but it's ok. In October Nathan and I got to be in a haunted yard on Halloween and it was A LOT of fun!!
November brought Thanksgiving which wasn't that fun. I mean we had a great time at our little Thanksgiving, but going to Nathan's family's thanksgiving proved to not be a good idea. Then we went to my aunt Cathy's Thanksgiving and it was soooo much fun!
December yet again. A not so good part. This year, Nathan and I decided to not get each other Christmas presents unless it was under $50. Then when income tax season comes around we're going to do Christmas. But Our Christmas plans were to go up to my grandparents house in KC on Christmas Day and then stay until Tuesday morning. But on Christmas Eve while we were taking my sister back to home we got in a wreck on the highway and no longer have a car. We found out Thursday that the car was totaled. On Wednesday my grandparents and aunt and cousin came down and celebrated Christmas with us. Then we celebrated Christmas with Nathan's parents that night.
So this past year I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned that if I just stay positive and pray and give things to God, I can accomplish a lot! I've learned it's ok to stand up for myself and what I believe in. I've learned that my husband is my best friend and will go through hell and back with me. I've learned that family is important, but if you're trying to change them it's not going to happen. They have to want to change. I've learned that if someone will talk to you about other people, they will more than likely talk about you behind your back. I've learned that I now hold myself and live on a different level than I use to. I've learned that no matter how much I get down on myself I will always be looked at beautiful by my amazing husband and more importantly my father God.
This past year brought fourth a lot of difficutly challenges but none I couldn't get through with the help of loved ones. It also brought lots of blessings, that I'm thankful for. I am ready for 2012 and say "BRING IT ON" this is my year, no this is Our year. Mine and Nathan's. We're going places we've only been able to dream about and I'm very excited for it! I pray everyone has a blessed year!
much love,
T
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Don't know what to put here...
Well my last blog was about how we got in a wreck on Christmas morning. Since then things have just been ok, they could be better. But who am I to complain. Anyways I worked Tuesday from 1:30 - 6:00, then came home and ate dinner. Wednesday I was suppose to work, but because there hasn't been that many kids signed up for Christmas camp, Anna let me have the day off.
My grandparents, Aunt Mary, and cousin Carolyn came down and we had a little Christmas here at our house. It was really nice to just hang out with people that aren't negative about everything!! Then they went up and visitied with my mom, which of course she complained about because they didn't stay that long. But they can't drive when it's dark, so they wanted to be home before dark! Anyways she called me bitching about how they didn't come to see her, they came down to have Christmas with me, Nathan, Kayla and Dilyan. You know they went out of their way to go up and see her, and she just complained...are you kidding me?!?!?! I don't think I will EVER understand her!
Wednesday night we went out with Nathan's parents to celebrate Christmas since we didn't go to their Christmas due to hateful people in his family. But it was nice, then they took us to Walmart so we could get some stuff for the house that we were needing and haven't had a car to go. Then we came home, played a game of monopoly with Jake. I got mad because I lost...LOL! What can I say I'm competitive!! haha
I worked today (Thursday) from 7:30am - 12:30pm. My friend Kalaya came and picked me up, thank goodness because my brother is not reliable and said he'd only give me a ride home if I gave him money. Which is crap because he lives in Carthage now, so it's not like he had to go 10million miles or something. But it's whatever. Anyways, came home, took a nap. Woke up Nathan wasn't here, found out he'd went down to Neosho to clean out the car because they're picking it up tomorrow and it was determined that it is totaled. No surprise there to me anyways I figured it was, because it was pretty bad! Nathan's parents are letting us use Mike's truck until we can get something, so Nathan brought the truck back. Because it was late when he got home and Jake said he was not going to be home for dinner we just ran and got something fast. Came home ate, watched Sweet Home Alabama, and played another game of monopoly against each other, which I slaughtered Nathan, yet felt completely horrible for beating him. Oh the way my mind works is completely crazy at times! hahaha
But that's been my week so far. Plans for tomorrow, work at 12:30 - 6. Come home and hang out. Then Saturday, Nathan and I are going to go to Joplin and have lunch together, then going to go use our gift cards we got. Then me, Nathan, Hannah, and Jake are going to bring in the New Year together!!
Oh and on a side note, I have done something to my back, I think it may be a pinched nerve or something...but idk for sure. All I know is it hurts like crazy!!
untill next time
T
My grandparents, Aunt Mary, and cousin Carolyn came down and we had a little Christmas here at our house. It was really nice to just hang out with people that aren't negative about everything!! Then they went up and visitied with my mom, which of course she complained about because they didn't stay that long. But they can't drive when it's dark, so they wanted to be home before dark! Anyways she called me bitching about how they didn't come to see her, they came down to have Christmas with me, Nathan, Kayla and Dilyan. You know they went out of their way to go up and see her, and she just complained...are you kidding me?!?!?! I don't think I will EVER understand her!
Wednesday night we went out with Nathan's parents to celebrate Christmas since we didn't go to their Christmas due to hateful people in his family. But it was nice, then they took us to Walmart so we could get some stuff for the house that we were needing and haven't had a car to go. Then we came home, played a game of monopoly with Jake. I got mad because I lost...LOL! What can I say I'm competitive!! haha
I worked today (Thursday) from 7:30am - 12:30pm. My friend Kalaya came and picked me up, thank goodness because my brother is not reliable and said he'd only give me a ride home if I gave him money. Which is crap because he lives in Carthage now, so it's not like he had to go 10million miles or something. But it's whatever. Anyways, came home, took a nap. Woke up Nathan wasn't here, found out he'd went down to Neosho to clean out the car because they're picking it up tomorrow and it was determined that it is totaled. No surprise there to me anyways I figured it was, because it was pretty bad! Nathan's parents are letting us use Mike's truck until we can get something, so Nathan brought the truck back. Because it was late when he got home and Jake said he was not going to be home for dinner we just ran and got something fast. Came home ate, watched Sweet Home Alabama, and played another game of monopoly against each other, which I slaughtered Nathan, yet felt completely horrible for beating him. Oh the way my mind works is completely crazy at times! hahaha
But that's been my week so far. Plans for tomorrow, work at 12:30 - 6. Come home and hang out. Then Saturday, Nathan and I are going to go to Joplin and have lunch together, then going to go use our gift cards we got. Then me, Nathan, Hannah, and Jake are going to bring in the New Year together!!
Oh and on a side note, I have done something to my back, I think it may be a pinched nerve or something...but idk for sure. All I know is it hurts like crazy!!
untill next time
T
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Not how it was suppose to be......
Well Christmas completely snuck up on me this year! It seems like just last week it was Thanksgiving!!!! I'm sad to say that this year is probably the worst Christmas I've ever had! =[
It seemed the weekend was going to be great. Friday Nathan and I worked together to finish up the project/presents I had to finish. Then we exchanged our gifts.
Saturday we completely finished all present wrapping and what not. Then about 5 we started up to Waynesville to get Ashley for our Christmas with our mom. We got to Mt.Vernon about 9pm, I don't know about everyone else but I had a good time seeing my mom, I was just glad to see her for Christmas. We left about 11pm and got Ashley home about 1:15 - 1:20. Then Nathan and I started back home. I drove to Waynesville to take Ashley back, so Nathan said he'd drive cause I'm not too good at driving at night, and I was really tired. He was so sweet and told me to go ahead and lay back and go to sleep. I told him I didn't want to go to sleep because I wanted to stay up with him so he didn't get tired and I could keep him awake. But he said no go to sleep so I did. The next thing I remember was hearing a huge crashing sound and feeling the car jerk. I sat up and realize we were stopped on the side of the road, and then Nathan said we'd got in a wreck! I've never been in any type of car wreck big or small so I was definitely shook up. When I completely woke up, calmed down, and finally realized what had happened. Nathan and I got out of the car to check the damage. The whole driver side front to back was damaged, so bad that Nathan couldn't get his door open or window down, he had to climb out of my side. We called my brother and he came and picked us up and the highway patrol stopped and let us sit in her car to stay warm, and wrote up an accident report and gave us a ticket because what Nathan hit was the middle guard rails and it damaged 2 of them.
Nathan was really upset that he wrecked the car, and that we got a ticket. He kept saying he was sorry he ruined Christmas. I felt horrible because I wasn't blaming him at all, and felt horrible that I didn't just stay up and keep him up. I have just been thanking God that we weren't hurt at all, because when you think about it, we could have been really hurt or even worst killed! They say falling asleep driving is worst than drinking and driving!
So yesterday (Christmas Day) instead of going to up to Kansas City as planned we sat at home, watched movies all day and just hung out. It was definitely a sad day because we both wanted to be with family yet were stuck at home. But like I said I'm just glad we are both ok. So I guess today (Monday) we will find out about the car, and the damage of it. I honestly think it will be totaled. I mean I'd be surprised if it wasn't! So I will update sometime this week!
I know our Christmas wasn't how we planed, it was pretty much horrible and not wanted at all. But if God brought us to it, He'll get us through it! I again thank Him for keeping us save! And I pray that everyone had a wonderful and save Christmas and a BIG Happy Birthday to Jesus! =]
Stay Blessed
T
It seemed the weekend was going to be great. Friday Nathan and I worked together to finish up the project/presents I had to finish. Then we exchanged our gifts.
Saturday we completely finished all present wrapping and what not. Then about 5 we started up to Waynesville to get Ashley for our Christmas with our mom. We got to Mt.Vernon about 9pm, I don't know about everyone else but I had a good time seeing my mom, I was just glad to see her for Christmas. We left about 11pm and got Ashley home about 1:15 - 1:20. Then Nathan and I started back home. I drove to Waynesville to take Ashley back, so Nathan said he'd drive cause I'm not too good at driving at night, and I was really tired. He was so sweet and told me to go ahead and lay back and go to sleep. I told him I didn't want to go to sleep because I wanted to stay up with him so he didn't get tired and I could keep him awake. But he said no go to sleep so I did. The next thing I remember was hearing a huge crashing sound and feeling the car jerk. I sat up and realize we were stopped on the side of the road, and then Nathan said we'd got in a wreck! I've never been in any type of car wreck big or small so I was definitely shook up. When I completely woke up, calmed down, and finally realized what had happened. Nathan and I got out of the car to check the damage. The whole driver side front to back was damaged, so bad that Nathan couldn't get his door open or window down, he had to climb out of my side. We called my brother and he came and picked us up and the highway patrol stopped and let us sit in her car to stay warm, and wrote up an accident report and gave us a ticket because what Nathan hit was the middle guard rails and it damaged 2 of them.
Nathan was really upset that he wrecked the car, and that we got a ticket. He kept saying he was sorry he ruined Christmas. I felt horrible because I wasn't blaming him at all, and felt horrible that I didn't just stay up and keep him up. I have just been thanking God that we weren't hurt at all, because when you think about it, we could have been really hurt or even worst killed! They say falling asleep driving is worst than drinking and driving!
So yesterday (Christmas Day) instead of going to up to Kansas City as planned we sat at home, watched movies all day and just hung out. It was definitely a sad day because we both wanted to be with family yet were stuck at home. But like I said I'm just glad we are both ok. So I guess today (Monday) we will find out about the car, and the damage of it. I honestly think it will be totaled. I mean I'd be surprised if it wasn't! So I will update sometime this week!
I know our Christmas wasn't how we planed, it was pretty much horrible and not wanted at all. But if God brought us to it, He'll get us through it! I again thank Him for keeping us save! And I pray that everyone had a wonderful and save Christmas and a BIG Happy Birthday to Jesus! =]
Stay Blessed
T
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Will I ever learn....
"Don't look back, and don't even think about turning back."........
" I've learned and I won't be so weak this time".....
"They've changed, this time will be different".....
Things I've said in the past that are all so familiar to my ears. With this subject, every time I think I've taken one step forward, I've actually taken two steps back. It's so frustrating!! What I'm talking about is my family and how I always think they change, but never do.
So update on it all;
My mom has been doing somewhat better. She got another infection and got transferred to ICU, and back on the vent. But now she's doing a little better again. She's been really depressed because it's Christmas and she's in the hospital. I've tried everything I can think of to keep her spirits up and to get her to think positive, but it's like she wants to be depressed. It's very odd! I continue to pray for her, for healing, strength, and comfort. But I can't make her change her confession, she has to want and believe that through God she can be healed.
Kayla, was doing alright because Kody was in jail. I mean she was still doing dumb shit, like getting arrested for not checking in with some lady. But other than that she's been decent. But now, no one has heard from her since Thursday. Rumor is, Kody got out. So if that's true, Kayla is probably up his a** like always following his every command.
Dilyan, is well Dilyan. You know I always hold him higher because we're so much alike and I always pray he can see the light and change. But as of lately I feel like there is no hope for him, it's too late and he's in too deep. He is continuing getting in trouble with the law and has recently got his license suspended and a warrant for his arrest. Yet will not turn his self in because he has a job now. I really wish he would get sent back to rehab, I know it would be better for him. And then when my mom gets better and is able to get out, I wish her and Dilyan would move away from all the sh*tty friends that are holding Dilyan back from doing something good with his life.
Well on to the latest drama in this thing called "family"....
Well my mom was going to turn all financial authority over to Nathan and I, so we could make sure things got paid and to keep better track of where her money goes. Well so far that has yet to happen, and I will be shocked if it actually did happen. Due to Kayla and Dilyan not having legal licenses my mother gave me her car to use and watch. Well today she decided that since Dilyan has a job now, that we have to "share" the car. Sharing in Dilyan's eyes means he has the car 24/7 and if he has time he'll take me to work. Which means I can not depend on him. I hate how I can't depend on anyone but myself and my husband now days. It's very frustrating! Anyways, So Dilyan came and picked the car up and it pisses me off because he doesn't even have a f*ck*ng license to drive it! He's lying to my mother about having one so he can have a car to do whatever the f*ck he wants to do. He tells people it's his car, and does whatever he wants with it. If something breaks, he just takes it and gets if fixed and it tacks more money on to the bill that my mom has to pay. It's bullsh*t!!
I'm so frustrated with myself because I feel like after these 5 years of going back and forth with my family I would know better. Yet I ALWAYS seem to go back. I know it makes my husband furious with me, because he's always telling me not to trust them and give into their every command. Yet when I'm in it, I can't even tell. This time I'm just so frustrated because I'm not fully in, I'm still guarded some and can see where Nathan comes from so I'm so pissed at myself. I just don't know how to keep them at a safe distance without cutting them out of my life completely like the last time. Yet the last time I cut them out, worked out really well. Yet I don't want it to have to come to that. It's all so confusing and so annoying to have to deal with. Families are not suppose to be like this! You are not suppose to treat certain family members like sh*t!!
I don't know what to do. I guess all I can do now is pray. Pray for strength, and pray it doesn't have to come to the absolute worst in order to get better. But no matter what happens or what anyone says I will always love them!! I might just have to love them from a safe distance!!
Stay Blessed Friends!!
XOXO
T
" I've learned and I won't be so weak this time".....
"They've changed, this time will be different".....
Things I've said in the past that are all so familiar to my ears. With this subject, every time I think I've taken one step forward, I've actually taken two steps back. It's so frustrating!! What I'm talking about is my family and how I always think they change, but never do.
So update on it all;
My mom has been doing somewhat better. She got another infection and got transferred to ICU, and back on the vent. But now she's doing a little better again. She's been really depressed because it's Christmas and she's in the hospital. I've tried everything I can think of to keep her spirits up and to get her to think positive, but it's like she wants to be depressed. It's very odd! I continue to pray for her, for healing, strength, and comfort. But I can't make her change her confession, she has to want and believe that through God she can be healed.
Kayla, was doing alright because Kody was in jail. I mean she was still doing dumb shit, like getting arrested for not checking in with some lady. But other than that she's been decent. But now, no one has heard from her since Thursday. Rumor is, Kody got out. So if that's true, Kayla is probably up his a** like always following his every command.
Dilyan, is well Dilyan. You know I always hold him higher because we're so much alike and I always pray he can see the light and change. But as of lately I feel like there is no hope for him, it's too late and he's in too deep. He is continuing getting in trouble with the law and has recently got his license suspended and a warrant for his arrest. Yet will not turn his self in because he has a job now. I really wish he would get sent back to rehab, I know it would be better for him. And then when my mom gets better and is able to get out, I wish her and Dilyan would move away from all the sh*tty friends that are holding Dilyan back from doing something good with his life.
Well on to the latest drama in this thing called "family"....
Well my mom was going to turn all financial authority over to Nathan and I, so we could make sure things got paid and to keep better track of where her money goes. Well so far that has yet to happen, and I will be shocked if it actually did happen. Due to Kayla and Dilyan not having legal licenses my mother gave me her car to use and watch. Well today she decided that since Dilyan has a job now, that we have to "share" the car. Sharing in Dilyan's eyes means he has the car 24/7 and if he has time he'll take me to work. Which means I can not depend on him. I hate how I can't depend on anyone but myself and my husband now days. It's very frustrating! Anyways, So Dilyan came and picked the car up and it pisses me off because he doesn't even have a f*ck*ng license to drive it! He's lying to my mother about having one so he can have a car to do whatever the f*ck he wants to do. He tells people it's his car, and does whatever he wants with it. If something breaks, he just takes it and gets if fixed and it tacks more money on to the bill that my mom has to pay. It's bullsh*t!!
I'm so frustrated with myself because I feel like after these 5 years of going back and forth with my family I would know better. Yet I ALWAYS seem to go back. I know it makes my husband furious with me, because he's always telling me not to trust them and give into their every command. Yet when I'm in it, I can't even tell. This time I'm just so frustrated because I'm not fully in, I'm still guarded some and can see where Nathan comes from so I'm so pissed at myself. I just don't know how to keep them at a safe distance without cutting them out of my life completely like the last time. Yet the last time I cut them out, worked out really well. Yet I don't want it to have to come to that. It's all so confusing and so annoying to have to deal with. Families are not suppose to be like this! You are not suppose to treat certain family members like sh*t!!
I don't know what to do. I guess all I can do now is pray. Pray for strength, and pray it doesn't have to come to the absolute worst in order to get better. But no matter what happens or what anyone says I will always love them!! I might just have to love them from a safe distance!!
Stay Blessed Friends!!
XOXO
T
Monday, December 5, 2011
I've been stuck
I haven't really opened up about this that much to really anyone. Not even my husband. But it finally got to where I needed to share what I've been going through so I went to dinner with a friend last week and just poured my heart out to her in hopes for some answers to the feelings I couldn't explain myself.
May 22, 2011:
What was suppose to be a wonderful day for Nathan and myself, turned into a day of total destruction and despair for the four states....
Nathan and I's 1 year anniversary was Sunday May 22, 2011. I remember we were going to go to church, go to lunch, then go out and make some contacts for our business in Joplin. After lunch I remember I told Nathan "how about we just go home and spend the rest of the day together, we could cuddle!!" So that is exactually what we did. We went home, took a nap. Then woke up and I wanted to go play with my new camera so we went in to Neosho and I was taking pictures of Nathan, then we decided to go to another location. We got in the car and of course I turned on the radio, and all that was on was how a tornado had just hit Joplin Missouri. I remember ever detail of that second when I found out what had happened. I remember thinking, what is this for real?? It started to look bad where we were so we decided to go on home instead.
I remember my phone was dead so I'd left it on the charger while we went out and did pictures. When we got home I asked Nathan's parents to turn on the news because I wanted to hear about the tornado. I grabbed my phone and the first text I saw was from my friend Candice. Asking if I would do pictures of her, Charly, and her brother Tyler. Me not knowing that they were in the tornado text her back of course I would. Then I was on facebook and heard that Candice, Charly, and Charly's mom were in walmart and that walmart was hit hard by the tornado. I remember praying for their safety. Praying that they were ok. A little later that evening I found out that Charly and his mom had been killed. I felt a rush of sadness and anger flood over me. Nathan and I had just been with Charly the day before. I prayed people were wrong. We kept getting mixed messages. Some messages from people saying Charly was alive, some saying he was dead. I didn't know what to think. All I know is I couldn't believe someone I was just with the day before was dead. It made me think about all the times you hear life is too short, make sure you tell your loved ones you love them before it's too late.
I remember just sitting on our bed sobbing and thinking, why Charly God? He was such an amazing guy, he didn't deserve this. I remember thinking how is Candice going to deal with this, is she going to be ok, was she seriously hurt?
It's taken a little over 6 months to be able to finally speak my heart on this subject. 6 whole months of closing doors in my life and shutting certain things and people out because I didn't want to deal with the pain. The pain of losing a friend, the pain so many other lives lost to this damn natural disaster! I know some people might say "Oh you didn't even really know Charly that much." You're right, I might not have been best friends with him, I might have only started talking to him a couple days before his death. But his life still impacted mine. We were friends in high school, I did know him and Candice, and how much they loved each other, regardless of past mistakes made on either part. I know that his smile and his laugh were infectious and he had the funniest sense of humor. I know that he wanted a better life for himself and his loved ones. I know all of these things, it doesn't matter if I knew him for years or minutes. Charly will always remain a part of my life.
I'm not sure why I shut so many things and people out of my life. I don't know why I chose to bury this stuff so deep and not even let my husband in. I have felt so many feelings over the last 6 months, from sadness, anger, regret, to loneliness, joy, and many more. I've had dreams of where time seemed to go back and I was the only one who knew the tornado was going to hit and I was trying to get to walmart to save them all, but I always seemed to fall short. I think deep down part of me was blaming Charly's death on myself. I think deep down I wish I would've invited him and Candice over instead of going home alone with Nathan. I think that because I have such a soft heart, that something of this magnitude has just thrown me off completely. It's not just Charly and Melisa's life I mourn, I mourn lives of all those lost, of the total destruction the tornado caused. The fact that the Joplin I've grown up to know, was just wiped away in a matter of minutes. It's everything!
I know nothing I do or say will ever bring him back. I won't bring any of the lost back, it won't turn back time, or even erase what has happened. I won't ever forget what happened. It will be with lots of people for their whole life. But I can change the way I think about it, the way I grieve about it. I choose to stand back up, take off the chains that have held me down, that have kept me in this sad and lonely place. I speak forth joy and happiness for not only myself but everyone who was effected by the May tornado. I ask my heavenly Father for strength for myself and others on those lonely days, the days when I just want to start feeling depressed again. I know it will take time, this is not going to be an easy fix. But I know that Joplin will rise again, and be back better than ever. I know that I will be able to continue where I left off when the tornado hit. And I pledge to never forget about those sad times, but to learn from them and grow. I promise I will never forget about Charly, that I will one day bring honor to who he was and make a scholarship in his name. It might take years but I will do it.
I thank my wonderful husband for staying patient with me while I've grieved. I thank him for the long nights where he rubbed my back after a bad dream, the times he held me while I cried, and the times where he just left me alone to think things through my way. I thank God for His protection over us that day and I love God more today than I ever have and I'm so thankful for the life He's given me. I know everything happens for a reason and God must have needed 161 new angels in heaven, and He got some of the best!
RIP all those lost on May 22,2011
xoxo
T
May 22, 2011:
What was suppose to be a wonderful day for Nathan and myself, turned into a day of total destruction and despair for the four states....
Nathan and I's 1 year anniversary was Sunday May 22, 2011. I remember we were going to go to church, go to lunch, then go out and make some contacts for our business in Joplin. After lunch I remember I told Nathan "how about we just go home and spend the rest of the day together, we could cuddle!!" So that is exactually what we did. We went home, took a nap. Then woke up and I wanted to go play with my new camera so we went in to Neosho and I was taking pictures of Nathan, then we decided to go to another location. We got in the car and of course I turned on the radio, and all that was on was how a tornado had just hit Joplin Missouri. I remember ever detail of that second when I found out what had happened. I remember thinking, what is this for real?? It started to look bad where we were so we decided to go on home instead.
I remember my phone was dead so I'd left it on the charger while we went out and did pictures. When we got home I asked Nathan's parents to turn on the news because I wanted to hear about the tornado. I grabbed my phone and the first text I saw was from my friend Candice. Asking if I would do pictures of her, Charly, and her brother Tyler. Me not knowing that they were in the tornado text her back of course I would. Then I was on facebook and heard that Candice, Charly, and Charly's mom were in walmart and that walmart was hit hard by the tornado. I remember praying for their safety. Praying that they were ok. A little later that evening I found out that Charly and his mom had been killed. I felt a rush of sadness and anger flood over me. Nathan and I had just been with Charly the day before. I prayed people were wrong. We kept getting mixed messages. Some messages from people saying Charly was alive, some saying he was dead. I didn't know what to think. All I know is I couldn't believe someone I was just with the day before was dead. It made me think about all the times you hear life is too short, make sure you tell your loved ones you love them before it's too late.
I remember just sitting on our bed sobbing and thinking, why Charly God? He was such an amazing guy, he didn't deserve this. I remember thinking how is Candice going to deal with this, is she going to be ok, was she seriously hurt?
It's taken a little over 6 months to be able to finally speak my heart on this subject. 6 whole months of closing doors in my life and shutting certain things and people out because I didn't want to deal with the pain. The pain of losing a friend, the pain so many other lives lost to this damn natural disaster! I know some people might say "Oh you didn't even really know Charly that much." You're right, I might not have been best friends with him, I might have only started talking to him a couple days before his death. But his life still impacted mine. We were friends in high school, I did know him and Candice, and how much they loved each other, regardless of past mistakes made on either part. I know that his smile and his laugh were infectious and he had the funniest sense of humor. I know that he wanted a better life for himself and his loved ones. I know all of these things, it doesn't matter if I knew him for years or minutes. Charly will always remain a part of my life.
I'm not sure why I shut so many things and people out of my life. I don't know why I chose to bury this stuff so deep and not even let my husband in. I have felt so many feelings over the last 6 months, from sadness, anger, regret, to loneliness, joy, and many more. I've had dreams of where time seemed to go back and I was the only one who knew the tornado was going to hit and I was trying to get to walmart to save them all, but I always seemed to fall short. I think deep down part of me was blaming Charly's death on myself. I think deep down I wish I would've invited him and Candice over instead of going home alone with Nathan. I think that because I have such a soft heart, that something of this magnitude has just thrown me off completely. It's not just Charly and Melisa's life I mourn, I mourn lives of all those lost, of the total destruction the tornado caused. The fact that the Joplin I've grown up to know, was just wiped away in a matter of minutes. It's everything!
I know nothing I do or say will ever bring him back. I won't bring any of the lost back, it won't turn back time, or even erase what has happened. I won't ever forget what happened. It will be with lots of people for their whole life. But I can change the way I think about it, the way I grieve about it. I choose to stand back up, take off the chains that have held me down, that have kept me in this sad and lonely place. I speak forth joy and happiness for not only myself but everyone who was effected by the May tornado. I ask my heavenly Father for strength for myself and others on those lonely days, the days when I just want to start feeling depressed again. I know it will take time, this is not going to be an easy fix. But I know that Joplin will rise again, and be back better than ever. I know that I will be able to continue where I left off when the tornado hit. And I pledge to never forget about those sad times, but to learn from them and grow. I promise I will never forget about Charly, that I will one day bring honor to who he was and make a scholarship in his name. It might take years but I will do it.
I thank my wonderful husband for staying patient with me while I've grieved. I thank him for the long nights where he rubbed my back after a bad dream, the times he held me while I cried, and the times where he just left me alone to think things through my way. I thank God for His protection over us that day and I love God more today than I ever have and I'm so thankful for the life He's given me. I know everything happens for a reason and God must have needed 161 new angels in heaven, and He got some of the best!
RIP all those lost on May 22,2011
xoxo
T
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