I haven't really opened up about this that much to really anyone. Not even my husband. But it finally got to where I needed to share what I've been going through so I went to dinner with a friend last week and just poured my heart out to her in hopes for some answers to the feelings I couldn't explain myself.
May 22, 2011:
What was suppose to be a wonderful day for Nathan and myself, turned into a day of total destruction and despair for the four states....
Nathan and I's 1 year anniversary was Sunday May 22, 2011. I remember we were going to go to church, go to lunch, then go out and make some contacts for our business in Joplin. After lunch I remember I told Nathan "how about we just go home and spend the rest of the day together, we could cuddle!!" So that is exactually what we did. We went home, took a nap. Then woke up and I wanted to go play with my new camera so we went in to Neosho and I was taking pictures of Nathan, then we decided to go to another location. We got in the car and of course I turned on the radio, and all that was on was how a tornado had just hit Joplin Missouri. I remember ever detail of that second when I found out what had happened. I remember thinking, what is this for real?? It started to look bad where we were so we decided to go on home instead.
I remember my phone was dead so I'd left it on the charger while we went out and did pictures. When we got home I asked Nathan's parents to turn on the news because I wanted to hear about the tornado. I grabbed my phone and the first text I saw was from my friend Candice. Asking if I would do pictures of her, Charly, and her brother Tyler. Me not knowing that they were in the tornado text her back of course I would. Then I was on facebook and heard that Candice, Charly, and Charly's mom were in walmart and that walmart was hit hard by the tornado. I remember praying for their safety. Praying that they were ok. A little later that evening I found out that Charly and his mom had been killed. I felt a rush of sadness and anger flood over me. Nathan and I had just been with Charly the day before. I prayed people were wrong. We kept getting mixed messages. Some messages from people saying Charly was alive, some saying he was dead. I didn't know what to think. All I know is I couldn't believe someone I was just with the day before was dead. It made me think about all the times you hear life is too short, make sure you tell your loved ones you love them before it's too late.
I remember just sitting on our bed sobbing and thinking, why Charly God? He was such an amazing guy, he didn't deserve this. I remember thinking how is Candice going to deal with this, is she going to be ok, was she seriously hurt?
It's taken a little over 6 months to be able to finally speak my heart on this subject. 6 whole months of closing doors in my life and shutting certain things and people out because I didn't want to deal with the pain. The pain of losing a friend, the pain so many other lives lost to this damn natural disaster! I know some people might say "Oh you didn't even really know Charly that much." You're right, I might not have been best friends with him, I might have only started talking to him a couple days before his death. But his life still impacted mine. We were friends in high school, I did know him and Candice, and how much they loved each other, regardless of past mistakes made on either part. I know that his smile and his laugh were infectious and he had the funniest sense of humor. I know that he wanted a better life for himself and his loved ones. I know all of these things, it doesn't matter if I knew him for years or minutes. Charly will always remain a part of my life.
I'm not sure why I shut so many things and people out of my life. I don't know why I chose to bury this stuff so deep and not even let my husband in. I have felt so many feelings over the last 6 months, from sadness, anger, regret, to loneliness, joy, and many more. I've had dreams of where time seemed to go back and I was the only one who knew the tornado was going to hit and I was trying to get to walmart to save them all, but I always seemed to fall short. I think deep down part of me was blaming Charly's death on myself. I think deep down I wish I would've invited him and Candice over instead of going home alone with Nathan. I think that because I have such a soft heart, that something of this magnitude has just thrown me off completely. It's not just Charly and Melisa's life I mourn, I mourn lives of all those lost, of the total destruction the tornado caused. The fact that the Joplin I've grown up to know, was just wiped away in a matter of minutes. It's everything!
I know nothing I do or say will ever bring him back. I won't bring any of the lost back, it won't turn back time, or even erase what has happened. I won't ever forget what happened. It will be with lots of people for their whole life. But I can change the way I think about it, the way I grieve about it. I choose to stand back up, take off the chains that have held me down, that have kept me in this sad and lonely place. I speak forth joy and happiness for not only myself but everyone who was effected by the May tornado. I ask my heavenly Father for strength for myself and others on those lonely days, the days when I just want to start feeling depressed again. I know it will take time, this is not going to be an easy fix. But I know that Joplin will rise again, and be back better than ever. I know that I will be able to continue where I left off when the tornado hit. And I pledge to never forget about those sad times, but to learn from them and grow. I promise I will never forget about Charly, that I will one day bring honor to who he was and make a scholarship in his name. It might take years but I will do it.
I thank my wonderful husband for staying patient with me while I've grieved. I thank him for the long nights where he rubbed my back after a bad dream, the times he held me while I cried, and the times where he just left me alone to think things through my way. I thank God for His protection over us that day and I love God more today than I ever have and I'm so thankful for the life He's given me. I know everything happens for a reason and God must have needed 161 new angels in heaven, and He got some of the best!
RIP all those lost on May 22,2011
xoxo
T
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