Will I ever learn....

"Don't look back, and don't even think about turning back."........
" I've learned and I won't be so weak this time".....
"They've changed, this time will be different".....


Things I've said in the past that are all so familiar to my ears. With this subject, every time I think I've taken one step forward, I've actually taken two steps back. It's so frustrating!! What I'm talking about is my family and how I always think they change, but never do.

So update on it all;

My mom has been doing somewhat better. She got another infection and got transferred to ICU, and back on the vent. But now she's doing a little better again. She's been really depressed because it's Christmas and she's in the hospital. I've tried everything I can think of to keep her spirits up and to get her to think positive, but it's like she wants to be depressed. It's very odd! I continue to pray for her, for healing, strength, and comfort. But I can't make her change her confession, she has to want and believe that through God she can be healed.

Kayla, was doing alright because Kody was in jail. I mean she was still doing dumb shit, like getting arrested for not checking in with some lady. But other than that she's been decent. But now, no one has heard from her since Thursday. Rumor is, Kody got out. So if that's true, Kayla is probably up his a** like always following his every command.

Dilyan, is well Dilyan. You know I always hold him higher because we're so much alike and I always pray he can see the light and change. But as of lately I feel like there is no hope for him, it's too late and he's in too deep. He is continuing getting in trouble with the law and has recently got his license suspended and a warrant for his arrest. Yet will not turn his self in because he has a job now. I really wish he would get sent back to rehab, I know it would be better for him. And then when my mom gets better and is able to get out, I wish her and Dilyan would move away from all the sh*tty friends that are holding Dilyan back from doing something good with his life.

Well on to the latest drama in this thing called "family"....

Well my mom was going to turn all financial authority over to Nathan and I, so we could make sure things got paid and to keep better track of where her money goes. Well so far that has yet to happen, and I will be shocked if it actually did happen. Due to Kayla and Dilyan not having legal licenses my mother gave me her car to use and watch. Well today she decided that since Dilyan has a job now, that we have to "share" the car. Sharing in Dilyan's eyes means he has the car 24/7 and if he has time he'll take me to work. Which means I can not depend on him. I hate how I can't depend on anyone but myself and my husband now days. It's very frustrating! Anyways, So Dilyan came and picked the car up and it pisses me off because he doesn't even have a f*ck*ng license to drive it! He's lying to my mother about having one so he can have a car to do whatever the f*ck he wants to do. He tells people it's his car, and does whatever he wants with it. If something breaks, he just takes it and gets if fixed and it tacks more money on to the bill that my mom has to pay. It's bullsh*t!!

I'm so frustrated with myself because I feel like after these 5 years of going back and forth with my family I would know better. Yet I ALWAYS seem to go back. I know it makes my husband furious with me, because he's always telling me not to trust them and give into their every command. Yet when I'm in it, I can't even tell. This time I'm just so frustrated because I'm not fully in, I'm still guarded some and can see where Nathan comes from so I'm so pissed at myself. I just don't know how to keep them at a safe distance without cutting them out of my life completely like the last time. Yet the last time I cut them out, worked out really well. Yet I don't want it to have to come to that. It's all so confusing and so annoying to have to deal with. Families are not suppose to be like this! You are not suppose to treat certain family members like sh*t!!

I don't know what to do. I guess all I can do now is pray. Pray for strength, and pray it doesn't have to come to the absolute worst in order to get better. But no matter what happens or what anyone says I will always love them!! I might just have to love them from a safe distance!!

Stay Blessed Friends!!

XOXO

T