Not sure what to think or feel right now

Well as you all know in my first post, my mom has a lung disease. Well 2 years ago this November she got put in the hospital again and sent to Barns Jewish in St. Louis, well it turns out she did not have pulmonary fibrosis but she had Pulmonary veno-occlusive disease and they've never had anyone make it past 2 years which is would explain her sudden downfall. 

She got put in the hospital on the 12th of September then recently transferred to St. Louis again. She's been put on the vent and from what I heard from Kayla and Dilyan. The other night her blood pressure got deadly high, which made her heart skip off beat so they had to shock her to get it back in rhythm. Then they found unexplained bleeding in her stomach they are running labs and have her as stable as they can make her. Dilyan said the doctor told him that it was important that family be up there.

That hit me really hard, and I'm kind of at a cross roads. I love my mom and would never want something to happen to her. But I know that she's tired of fighting this and has told us kids she's ready to be home with her grandpa,and God. Hearing her say that is like a knife to the heart, I hate seeing her suffer and only want peace for her, yet I'm feeling selfish and don't want her to go yet. She's so young and still as so much more to do. Like I said I'm at a cross roads. 

I ask that those that follow this or those that just read this please keep her and our family in your prayers, because that time could be coming, and it will be a very upsetting time for not only us but for those whose lives she's affected. 

Thanks and God Bless
xoxo


T

My new fav show!!!

Ok so because Hannah works in Jasper for the Y on Mon, Wed, and Fri she takes me to work, then takes my car to Jasper then comes and picks me up from work. Well today Carthage school district did not have work. Yet Hannah did have work so while she went to work I stayed at her house with her brother Zak and her sister Emily.

I've known Zak for a long time we went to school and graduated together. While over there Zak and I watched the whole first season of an amazing show and it's now my new favorite show! It is called The Walking Dead!!

The Walking Dead is shown on AMC, the season 2 premier will be Oct 16!!! I watched the trailer and it looks like it's going to be a good season, I can't wait. 

If you like zombie stuff you should definately watch this!! 

 

Weekend....where did you go?????

Well the weekend arrived, then left just as quick!! Bleh! I seriously HATE when that happens! So this will be a recap of my Thursday and weekend!!

Thursday Oct 6,2011::
I woke up at 4am when Nathan left for work, couldn't fall back asleep. Had to be up at by 5:30 so I could head down to Arkansas to pick up Nathan and I's friend David! I made really good time with the trip. David and I got back to the house, both fell asleep on a the couches in the living room. Then I woke up because I had to go meet the exterminator at the house in Carthage. Went to stop by the bank and the atm was out of order so I went through the drive thru and got money out, went to the house the exterminator sprayed and my baby sister came and checked out our new place. Then I went back to the house and got ready for work, went to work, stopped and got Bamboo for Nathan, David, and myself. Hung out ate dinner then went to bed.

Friday Oct 7, 2011::
Slept in for the most part, woke up Nathan and David went and got breakfast. Ate breakfast, then got bored so I fell back asleep. Woke up got ready for work, Nathan and David took me to work. Then after work they came and got me, Hannah met us at the Y. We went to McDonalds, got some dinner, then headed up to Verona Missouri to the corn maze. Had an awesome time, got home and had to stay up for another hour until my photography contest ended so I could announce the winners. Then went to bed because we were suppose to get up at 6am, run David back to Arkansas, then go to the maple leaf mile fun walk/run!!

Saturday Oct 8,2011::
Woke up late! So that means we were late getting David back to Arkansas so because we were not going to make it back, we decided to have breakfast at Ihop with David before we left. We then came back home. We were both still VERY exhausted so we took a nap. Woke up and watched 3 movies together, had dinner, then eventually went to bed.


Sunday Oct 9,2011::
We didn't wake up in time for church. So while I showered, Nathan went to the storage and loaded up the truck so we could start moving some stuff into our new place. I finished getting ready, then met him over in Carthage. Nathan had forgot to take the key off the key chain so he was waiting for me to unlock the house. By the time I got there he had raked one whole side of the front yard, and let me tell you it looked GOOD!!!! I went in to inspect the bug problem which is STILL a problem then figured out since they bug guy can not come back for at least 2 weeks we won't be able to move in until November!! Very disappointing! While I was inspecting the bug problem, Nathan started to sweep out the basement. Which he did awesome on that too. LOL

 We were both starving because neither of us got breakfast so we ran and got some tacobell. Came back had a car picnic. Jake and Hannah showed up, we talked some, tried to figure out an electrical problem, Hannah and I raked more leaves. Then Nathan decided we should get some Holiday pumpkin bags, so Hannah and I ran to 3 different stores. While Jake and Nathan moved a fridge from the upstairs to the downstairs. Hannah and I finally found some bags, only to get home to find out they were the size of like a bathroom trash can!! NOT COOL!! Then all four of us spent about 20 -30 minutes trying to get this stuffed dog off the roof, needless to say we were not successful and it is STILL up there! HA!!!!


So then it was time to go to the Maple Leaf Princess pageant. I told one of the kids at work, that I would come and support her. She did awesome and looked too cute, but did not win Princess. =[ Even though she should have!! Then Nathan wanted to go home, and I wanted to stay and watch the Maple Leaf Queen Pageant, because I decided last year that this year I was going to participate in as many Maple Leaf week events I could! So Nathan wanted to go home because he wanted to relax before bed and we didn't know when it would end so then Hannah agreed to come watch the queen pageant with me. We had time to kill, so we went and grabbed some dinner. I got stuffed, and Hannah decided that next time we go to McD's I had to get a kids meal because I NEVER finish my food. LOL We then went back to the auditorium, watched the pageant and LOVED the girl that played the violin and totally called it that she would win. Then I took Hannah home, came home myself, had some snuggle time with  my wonderful husband, couldn't fall asleep so I got up. I've messed around on fb, updated some photography stuff. Then decided to update my blog.


So that was my weekend! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend as well, and pray you all have an amazing week!!


Stay blessed my friends!
xoxo


T

What's on my mind

Well I didn't post anything last night, and I've been trying to think of something to write about tonight. There only seems to be one thing on my mind. And for those people who think I just have this blog to play the victim....NEWS FLASH I'M NOT! I've said time and time again, I'm just doing this blog because it's free. I don't want to pay hundreds of dollars to have someone listen to me talk!!

Well what's on my mind is how it keeps being thrown in my face that I'm not good enough. And I'm a christian and know that it's just the devil trying to make me feel like this. Most times I stay strong, but there are always those times when I just can not take it because the blows are coming from all angles!

I was reminded the other day that I'm a worthless daughter, because for some odd reason moving out of my mothers house when I was 17 and her spreading lies about things I didn't say or things I've done she didn't like, is all my fault! I don't understand it at all. I mean I love my mother and have NEVER said lies about her, though she would look you straight in the face and say otherwise. She thinks I pick my husband over my family because I wouldn't go up and sit with her at the hospital. 1.) I didn't have gas or a check from work to get more gas! 2.) I work Mon - Fri, I can't skip work to go sit up there because I have other responsibilities as an adult! And 3.) Honestly it makes me sad and depressed to see her like that, why would I just want to sit up there?!?!?!?! I mean I had NO problem going and visiting her, but I can not and will not spend 24-7 up there. And as for me picking my husband over my family. There is NO such thing, Nathan is my husband so that makes him MY FAMILY as well as they do!!

I would just like to have a normal family. Now I know you are probably sitting there saying "What's normal?" I would just like to be able to have my mom proud of the woman I've become, be able to have my mom, brother, and sisters over to my house for dinner and visa versa. I want to be able to call my mom when I have a problem and be able to be there for her while she's sick without her getting mad if I can't be there all day everyday.

Another thing I'm struggling with is my body! Now I know about 90% of women in America dislike something about their bodies, but mine is a little different. I mean sure I wish I was skinner like I use to be. But my problem lies a little deeper. I've always had irregular periods. Now I know you might be thinking well that's pretty common, well having 1 period a year is NOT normal. I want to have kids, but this is keeping me from doing such! My doctor said they want to start me on Provera but I have to lose at least 25 pounds because I'm pre-diabetic and getting pregnant would more than likely cause me to get diabetes. The problem I'm having with losing weight is the insulin resistance. I had lost 7 pounds but then gained 4 of those back. I need to lose this weight, because I need to be healthy and I want to have kids. It's most girls dreams to be a mom and I would be totally devastated if that couldn't happen for me, and I'd feel like I let my wonderful husband down. Even though we've had the talk and he's reassured me thousands of times that if we couldn't have our own kids he'd still love me and we could just adopt. But I wand to experience all that stuff. I'm even looking forward to the morning sickness! LOL Crazy I know!

Well that's all that's been on my mind the past couple of days!

Stay Blessed 

xoxo

Tina

I am Human

Hello my name is Tina, and I am NOT perfect! 

• I've lied about little things, when the truth would have been a whole hell of a lot easier.

• I've hurt people, both unintentionally and intentionally.

• I've given my body to guys who were only out for a piece of ass, because I thought that's what "love" was.

• I've said things about people I didn't mean.

• I've emotionally hurt loved ones.

• I moved out of my moms house when I was 17, because I felt I had no other choice.

• I lost one of my best friends because I was at one point a stupid girl. (And I can admit I had half of the fault!)

• I've been mad at people for stupid ass reasons.

• I've said at least once "I hate one of my relatives". Though I don't!!!!

• I've been called just about every name in the book.

• I went through a rebellious phase. 

•  At one point or another I've been careless with my life. 

• I speed when I drive.

• I've been depressed and at time have tried to end my life, and done self mutilation.

• I've cussed, drank alcohol, tried cigarettes, and even tried pot.

• I've gossiped about people when I shouldn't have. 

• I've trusted people with personal business, when I shouldn't have. 

• I've been mean to people, so others would like me.

• I've struggled with bulimia off and on since 2005.

• I've lowered my standards to feel loved.

• I've been used, and have used other people.

• I've played the doormat to many people, because I want people to like me.

• I hate confrontation, and I normally clam up and shut down when it starts.

• I've had my heart broken and broken peoples heart.

My name is Tina. I am 22 years old, still trying to figure myself out. I've made countless mistakes in my life, but I do not regret a single one. I do not regret things in my life, sure there are things I wish I could go back and change, but I can't. I've hurt many people along the way, some I've apologized for, some I've not. So right now I ask for their apology. I'm not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be perfect. Life has knocked me down, but I get back up. I do not try and play a victim, because I am anything but one. I've created this blog because I don't want to have to go pay hundreds of dollars to have someone listen to me talk. So this is me, I'm a little bit crazy at times but who isn't. I'm a fun person to be around and can guarantee to make you smile. I love my life, though at times I get depressed. I love easily and hate few. I've forgiven people who've hurt me in my past. Though I've made countless mistakes in my life, my positives out way my negatives. I was the first of my mothers kids to graduate high school. I put myself through the CNA program at Crowder College. I've started a photography business, and work another job. I've never been to jail or got a serious ticket (got one for not paying property tax on a car once) And I paid for my own wedding and married the love of my life.

So this is me, like me or not I'm still gonna shine!!!!<3

                        

 

Hello! My name is Tina.....

I'm the type of person who holds their emotions in until they just can't handle anymore and then I either get depressed or take anger out on ones I love. So therefore I've decided to start this blog, this is for my personal use so if you do not like something I say, don't read my blog! It's as simple as that! 

I guess to start this I should give you a little back history. This first one WILL BE LONG, so bare with me.

On February 14, 1989, I Valentina Marie Valdez was born in Corpus Christi Texas. My mother is Nicole Collins and my father who I've heard was around during and partially after my birth yet I don't remember him. Is named Max Valdez Jr. I am what my mother and grandparents would call a miracle baby. You see I was suppose to be born on April 1st, so I was a tad bit early. When I finally made my arrival I weighted a mere 3 pounds 2 ounces. I had bleeding on my brain, under developed lungs and the doctors all thought I was going to die. But God had different plans for me and showed that I would be a fighter even at birth, I had pulled through when the odds were against me.

I honestly do not remember the majority of my early childhood. I can only recall certain things, most which seem to be negative things. Such as physical, verbal, and sexual abuse and neglect. Which I will go into in another post. Now don't get me wrong, there are good things I remember as well like the house we lived in in Lee Summit that my grandpa built me and my sister a swing set.

But on with the story. I can not really start remembering my life until the age of 6 or 7. At this point in my life we were living in Oswego Kansas. Mom, Ashley, Me, Kayla, and Dilyan. We lived in a big two story white house on the corner. I remember my best friends name was Quari Johnson. I remember we use to ride our bikes all over the town, it was probably our favorite thing to do. Things seemed like they were going good, then my mother met a guy named Earl Collins. He was great, we all fell instantly in love with him. He was the first guy I had actually acknowledged as a father figure in my life. I can remember the first Thanksgiving him and my mom were dating, he didn't feel like he should go to my grandparents, so I stayed with him. We made our own Thanksgiving feast and at that point in my life, I knew I was going to have a real dad. 

Fast forward and life then took all 6 of us to Tulsa Oklahoma for about 4 months.  We lived in and out of motels because Earl got work down there with a temp agency. I don't remember life much down there. Life then will fast forward to Neosho Missouri where we lived in the Bradford's trailer park. About a month or two before my mom and us 4 kids were back in a safe house while Earl worked at Tyson and saved up money. Life in the trailer park seemed like it would be great. One memory I love to hold onto was the day Earl purposed to my mother in the living room of our trailer. All us kids trying our hardest to hold our excitement in while Earl made my mom sit with her eyes closed in a chair as he got down on one knee. I remember my new best friends Jennifer and Mitchell V. I remember my first "boyfriend" Chris C., and my first heartbreak David O. I remember getting in my first fist fight and getting kicked off the bus. I remember getting mono, and sleepovers at Mitchell's house. I remember the day my older sister when completely crazy and got sent away for a little while. I remember when I got my first dog Nakida, she was a German Shepard, Alaskan malamute. I remember the time my grandmother came down and taught my 3rd grade class about poetry. I remember when my friend Teresa's trailer burnt down, and the time I had my best friend choose my "ex" over me!

But a memory that stays most burnt in my mind and my heart is the day Earl left us. My mom and him had started fighting about money, and other things. I remember him packing all is stuff in big black trash bags and throwing them in the bed of his truck and driving away. I remember running after him, crying and begging for him to stop. I remember going up to the payphone and calling him asking when he was coming back. He broke my heart that day, but time pasted and he came home. Him and my mom patched things up and things were starting to look up.

Fast forward again and life then took us all to beautiful Carthage Missouri. Earl and my mother were buying a beautiful 4 bedroom 1 1/2 bath house with a full walk out basement, in ground pool, 1 1/2 acres, 2 storage barns, and a little shop out back. Life could not have been going in a more positive way. I remember meeting my best friend Hillary Reburn, and other wonderful friends. I made the dare choir my 6th grade year, yet missed most of the year because I was sick with stomach problems. Ashley was taken out of the house due to behavior issues, and my mom and Earl started fighting again. Which led to Earl leaving again, this time he drained their bank account and went back to Kansas. He was gone a month and a half, we didn't even think he was coming back. Things then started getting "good" again, then my heart was shattered again. 

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had went to the pool with Hillary and was told to be home at 2. Yet Hillary's mom Karla did not get off work till later and so I called my mom and told her that if she wanted Karla to bring me home, it would be later. I remember walking up the driveway that evening around 6pm scared as to what kind of punishment was waiting for me, yet it wasn't anything I'd ever dreamed. Earl and my mother were both waiting when I got inside, Earl was instantly in my face, yelling asking why I didn't listen to my mom. In my defense I retreated into my shell and stood there silent, it was then when Earl smacked me across the face. In that instant my mind was going a million miles, I was mad, I was sad, I could feel my cheek burning, but most of all I was hurt. How could someone I loved so much, do something like that? That was the first night I'd ever tried to kill myself, I was unsuccessful of course. It was that night when my acknowledgment of Earl as my "dad" would come to a screeching halt.

Anyways time passed, Ashley was able to return home, and my mom was finally able to go to school to pursue her life long dream of becoming a nurse. She almost made it through school when out of no where her health took a turn for the worst. In 2004 she was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis. This rocked our whole family to the core, and for a moments time brought us all back together. I remember my mother was in the hospital for a long time, the doctors told us all she may not make it, but we all stood by and prayed to God to save our mom. In this time period we had lost our beautiful home, and were staying in a house our church owned. This was also the year I developed a eating disorder. My eating disorder was triggered by a movie on lifetime of all places! It was about 2 friends who had developed anorexia then bulimia. I had it in my head that I could do that, and if people already thought I was fat, I could make myself skinny. So I began skipping breakfast and lunch at school then eating dinner at home, then waiting for everyone to go to bed then going back up to the bathroom and throwing up. This wasn't an everyday thing until about the end of my freshman year when my mothers health got really bad. Life in the farm house was a struggle at times, I remember we didn't have money for Christmas so people from our church bought us presents. I remember the day my mother fell down the stairs and broke her back. I remember the night when my mother stopped breathing and had to be rushed to the hospital. 

Time passed as it always does and life then took us to another trailer park way on the other side of Carthage. I remember a fight my mother and I had got into because I was crying about having to move and she didn't understand why. I didn't want to leave my church, I felt love and accepted there. Life in the trailer park brought a whole new world kind of. I met an awesome girl named Krissy K, who became one of my best friends. I dated this wonderfully, mysterious guy from church named Nathan C, who then broke my heart. I went on my first mission trip with the church to Mexico. Went on my first date, life was looking okay.

The it took a turn for the worst, again! When my mother got sick, she turned into a different person. Before she got sick, we were best friends. After, I don't know who she was. Earl left my mom, my older sister Ashley left. And my moms health continued to roller coaster. I got dropped head first into my mothers roles of cooking, cleaning, and taking care of my younger brother and sister.All the added stress made my bulimia kick in full swing. It was my sophomore year, and my 17th birthday to be exact, when Hillary and I got caught throwing up in the bathroom by a teacher. We got sent to the counselor and had to call our mothers. Of course my mother didn't take it well at all and said I was just doing it for attention and so on and so forth. She sent me to a psychiatrist but that didn't last long. She even had my little sister sit up with me after I ate for at least an hour and a half. Life continued in this downward spiral. My mother made me get a job, so I could help pay for bills yet grounded me when my grades weren't above C's. 

My life then changed drastically in one weekend. On a Thursday I had got a check from my job, my mom said she needed money to help pay for the electric bill. Yet I was needing to save up money to buy a prom dress cause I was asked to go. I gave her $100, she then started saying that wasn't enough. I then gave her $80 and kept $30 for my dress fund. She went crazy yelling at me saying I was the most selfish person she had met, I only cared about myself. Friday I stayed home and cleaned so I could go spend the night with Hillary Saturday. I got too, which was rare for me, because my mom depended on me to take care of Kayla and Dilyan. Sunday morning I called my mom at 9am and told her that we'd overslept and would not be going to church she told me to be home at noon then. Hillary and I then found out that we were going to go to another church that had a service that started at 11, went to 12 and it was only about 5 minutes from my house. I called my mom back and she rejected my call ( which wasn't unusually for her if she didn't want to talk to you). I left her a voicemail telling her the new plans and said if she had a problem with it to call me back, She never did.

I got home at 12:06, she was there to meet me at the door. Yelling and screaming she asked me why I wasn't home at noon. I told her I'd called her and she called me a liar, she also called me a liar when I told her we'd went to a church service that started at 11, even though I had a bulletin in my bag. She then smacked me across the face, again that single blow sent my heart shattering in a million pieces like a few years ago. I then got sent to my room for the remainder of the night. It was the next day at school when I'd confided in Hillary and she said she didn't want me to go back to that house and that's when I'd made the decision to move out. Going against what my mother wanted, and leaving behind my baby sister and baby brother. 

If I could go back, I would not change leaving, though I might have changed leaving Kayla and Dilyan behind.....

Ashley & I when we were little