Tuesday September 25th, 2012 was the start of a forever goodbye. Moms funeral was easier than I expected, but then again I'm the anchor, I couldn't allow a break down just yet. I made it through with minimal tears shed. The poem, I had aunt Kathy read got me. I knew it would. I was so surprised all us kids were able to get up and share a little bit of wonderful from moms life. I was so thankful for each and ever person who showed up in honor of her memory. I know she was looking down with a smile on that day. After the funeral we went to the cemetery where we buried some of her ashes, notes, and a Pepsi can ( her favorite drink)!
The days to come would bring Ashley packing to leave, Dilyan on a drinking binge trying to bury that pain I think, Kayla with Kody, and Me still unable to allow myself to break down. That Friday, the week after mom passed, We all went out to Red Oak and did family pictures and had a family dinner at Dilyan's. Something mom wanted so we did it to honor her. Ashley left that night for Ft. Leonardwood.
I think it was like the 3rd, I finally was able to allow myself to break down a little. I just sat and cried and talked to Nathan. Something he was praying for I know! I had been having a bad week. Everything I told my siblings not to do, I was doing. I told them not to think about all the bad things they'd done or said to mom. I was doing that, I was slowly falling into a depression.
On Oct 4th, Kayla, Dilyan and I got together. We took Dilyan to get his leg looked at, turned out he had staff infection. Took him home, then Kayla and I went to visit moms grave. It was nice, I need to do it again soon. That Sunday only Dilyan and I got together for family day. I went and got him and he came down to our house which is back at Nathan's parents and ate and hung out. We thought his staff got worse, so I took him back to the hospital to get checked out. They repacked it, and gave him pain meds. We had a really great night that night, a good bonding for us. I got him his pain meds and dropped him off at home.
The next morning, I wake to him calling. He was at school, said he had to tell me something that he had his break down. He said his teacher would text me cause he was in class. Her and I text for a long time that day. She said he took the whole bottle of hydos and went to school. They had a meeting with the counselor and other school officials, he wanted helped. They started looking for a rehab for him. That afternoon, he decided he wasn't going to rehab.
Then his neighbor text me and said he locked himself in his house. Me being the type of person I am, instantly headed that way. I was so worried the whole drive that I was going to find him dead. Him, Nathan, and I had an intervention that night. I told him I couldn't lose him too, that we had to stick together and he had to get help!
Since then we've had a meeting with the school, his grieve counselor, Him, and Nathan and I. The plan is for him to stay in school at Joplin, graduate, go to MSSU for nursing then move away. I pray he can accomplish those things, because I know he wants it and so does everyone that is with him in this. But so far a week later, he's not showing or putting forth any effort into do so.
With him, I'm learning I can not mommy him. No matter how much I want to just take his hand and lead him the whole way. I can not do that. I have to sit back and let him make his own decisions in life. I have to sit back and just let him do what he's wants, all awhile praying for him to make the best decisions I know he knows how to make. I will continue to update on this matter.
Many Blessings,
T
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